


Monsters inside your head

by Zoya113



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: M/M, Schaeffer has depression but isn’t smart enough to work that out, She’s also queer but hasn’t worked that out yet either, Yes I wrote a backstory for schaeffer, did u know how upset I wasn when she wasn’t in bf, yea there’s a warrior cats reference in there, yes it’s power couple compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23000026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Schaeffer was never good at expressing how she felt. It makes things complicated, Mcnamara is trying to work it out
Relationships: General Mcnamara/ Xander Lee
Comments: 13
Kudos: 36





	Monsters inside your head

**Author's Note:**

> Schaeffer is a full grown woman but she’ll be damned if she knows what ‘emotions’ and ‘mentality’ are

The first thing Schaeffer noticed was that there were only three other girls in the line of what had to be about two hundred of them. 

Two hundred was an awful lot, and she knew why. This was a dangerous job. Soldiers were expendable. Schaeffer would die for the job if she had to, and she had no problem with it. She just wanted to be here. Maybe she could finally find some use for her life protecting others. She didn’t have much else going on in her life. Never particularly close with her parents, never had many friends or a stable job, never had much of a future. But this was different.

She was smart enough to know she was a dumbass. She wouldn’t make it through university, probably not even an apprenticeship. Schaeffer could barely hold up a conversation, she’d never make it in the real world. What schaeffer did know however was the use of a good punch. A one stop solution to quite a few of her problems, and maybe that’s what got her here. 

‘Fresh meat’ was the word the lieutenant used. They were all going to work up the ladder, dreaming of being the General one day, didn’t they know they wouldn’t make it much further past a cadet? She for one didn’t care if some hellish otherworld beast comes to pluck her off this earth. At least she’d have done something important with her life in the mean time.

“Hey,” the man besides her sounded like he was laughing and she didn’t know why. 

She only twitched her head to the side, her new boots not leaving position. She didn’t know what to tell him. “What?” 

“What’s your name?” 

She turned her head back. She didn’t know whether or not she wanted to answer, she never liked her first name. “Schaeffer,” she answered. Claire was too feminine and dainty. It didn’t suit her. She was bulky and heavyset with broad shoulders and a firm core, scrapes of all sorts tracing thin, white lines over her skin. More to come.

“Don’t you know you’re gonna die? There aren’t many girls here.” 

She ignored the question, because maybe she did. “Who’re you?” 

“Hurley.” 

She turned back to face ahead. She didn’t know what she was waiting for. People were starting to shift their weight around but she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t be singled out. She wouldn’t be a weak link.   
“You’ll die too,” she reminded him. 

“My dad owns a shooting range,” he chimed back. 

Schaeffer wasn’t drawing a connection. 

“I’ve been practicing with guns since I was eleven.” 

Schaeffer didn’t know if that was legal. She wanted to tell him that he might not always have a gun, but she couldn’t string together a sentence in her head that didn’t sound mangled and awful, so she kept her mouth shut. A General had come to speak to them anyways. 

He assigned dorm rooms. One of the girls got excited because there are only three of them, and they’d have a lot more room. Schaeffer hated the intimacy of it, and when they got to their rooms and closed the door it had all changed. 

“We aren’t going back any more,” a girl with choppy and short blonde hair threw herself down on the bottom bunk. “This is home forever now.”

“I don’t suppose we’ve got people to miss though, right?” Said a girl with pretty, ginger hair. “That’s why we’re here.” 

The blonde girl explained how her dad died and how her mother was apparently intolerable to get along with. Skipped school too many times to make friends. The ginger girl was an orphan. 

“What about you?” They seemed to say in sync. 

She swung one leg over the side of her bottom bunk. “I have a sister,” she said, but they weren’t looking away. She didn’t think she owed them her life story. “But my parents won’t notice the difference if I’m gone.” 

“Yeah, but will you miss them though?” 

“Possibly.” She was still sitting there with her legs spread, elbows on her knees and fingers laced together. 

“How do you feel about it?”

She shrugged. “Don’t know yet.” It was hard to tell. So far, she wasn’t feeling much.

The other two weren’t looking at her now, so she took a second to look at them.

They were pretty in a way she wasn’t. Schaeffer never had problems with insecurities. She just never cared, she didn’t, even now, but the thought was stirring in the back of her mind. They were different. 

“There’s so many people here,” the ginger girl claimed the top bunk above the blonde girl. “All for different things. Medical, officers, soldiers, scientists. I’m going into radio and comms stuff. What about you Sarah?”

“I’m gonna be a med, actually, Ash,” she answered and they both turned back to Schaeffer in unison like they were clones, another force set against her in life.

Schaeffer missed the part where they handed out names. “Schaeffer.”

“No, what’s your first name?” Ashley pressed.

She shook her head. She was moving past that. It made her feel lighter, not being called by her name. It always meant she was in trouble, no one spoke to her otherwise. But they were both giving her a funny look and shifting their backs to her.   
She hadn’t won’t their favour. She was outnumbered, she didn’t care. 

“What are you going into, Schaeffer?” 

“Field work.” 

She wondered whether the person who stayed in this bed before her maxed out or died. If she stared hard enough she could almost see the blood, and it’s like the ever present tightness strangling her chest and her throat seemed to vanish. For the first time in so many years she felt it, relief. 

———————————————————

She had been so happy. Over the fucking moon when they were all being officially moved up. One big ceremony to welcome them all in - privates now, not cadets. More fieldwork, proper uniforms, the whole deal. She didn’t sleep that night. She couldn’t wait to get out there and contribute to something. Finally make something of herself, be useful for once. She was choosing what to wear to the ceremony all week, it was the only time she cared about how she looked.

“I’ve got this,” Ash pulled a white blouse and a black skirt from her small suitcase. “Is it nice?” 

Schaeffer pulled out her only clean tank top. It was a look she liked. It made her look like a proper soldier, showed off all the muscle she had been building up. She had black jeans at least, and she had even shined her boots. 

“Come on! Let’s go, fifteen minutes prior to fifteen minutes prior, that’s what Colonel Cross always says right? Get there early!” She was bouncing on the tips of her toes. 

“Wow, what happened to our Schaeffer?” Sarah joked, elbowing her hard. “I’ve never seen you this-“ she exchanged looks with Ash. “Alive.” 

Schaeffer laughed, it was a bit of an antithesis. And she was so happy, she was obsessed with the feeling inside her stomach, people always said it’s like butterflies and now she knew they were right. It was like being free to breathe. She didn’t know how to describe it other than that it was like what yellow looked like. It felt like seeing her sister smile, and it felt exactly like how she imagined this day would. 

But then they weren’t taken to a hall - they were lined up and sent off to tables, they were handing out sheets. Why sheets? Where are the uniforms? And the yellow goes away, it goes through a messy shade of blue and violent red and all the colours bled together into grey and she sighs and it all comes out. No assembly. That’s fine. She marched down the line - no assembly today - she wouldn’t get a badge or a medal or a suit, she got a form. Like a quiz. 

She slaps the sheet down, pulls out a cracked blue pen from her pants pocket and begins. She skins through it, but she just doesn’t understand it. Big words, it’s fancy jargon. A flash of red stabs through the grey in her stomach and she drops her head into her hands, pulling at her hair. Sweat is forming in the creases on her forehead. Everyone around her was signing away, ticking and turning pages and capping pens. 

“What?” She cursed as the first person stood up. “How’d they finish so fast?” She hissed to Ash. 

“Orwell is just quick,” Ash snickered. “It’s not a quiz. You don’t have to whisper.” 

Schaeffer was still surprised they could read that fast. Did they really read it or was Schaeffer just stupid? 

She came here to be out in the field. She didn’t know this would be involved. She came to this place to get away from things, from stuff, stuff she didn’t know how to explain or how to feel about. She didn’t need another reminder she was the dumb kid. 

She didn’t read the sheet properly, just stared at it to make it look realistic, ticked everything and then handed it in. She wasn’t given further instruction, she didn’t know what she missed. She went out to the sports oval and there was no ceremony that morning. 

“Is something wrong, Schaef?” She hated that name, it made her pick at the grass below her faster. She ripped it out in clumps and let it fly away in the breeze. “I know you’re pretty stoic, but you’re hunching your shoulders, are you feeling anything at all in there?” Ash sat down besides her. 

She couldn’t answer the question. “I thought we were getting our uniforms.” She had mud on her shoes. “Why didn’t we get them?”

“That’s happening tonight, Schaeffer. And you know, I’m totally way more excited about finding out your first name than getting a job. It’s like you’re literally encouraging death to come take you. Slow down. We’ll all be soldiers and officers one day or another.” 

“But I’ve been a cadet long enough,” she answered, little pricks of red frustration in her palms. She balled them up. “Why do you care about my name?” 

“Because I’ve known you like three months, and you never tell us. I’m almost scared, like we’re gonna find out your first name is hitler or some shit.”

“It’s not a big deal. I just don’t like it.” Claire sounded like a white suburban mom sipping wine on the verandah. Claire sounded like a five year old in a frilly pink dress hosting a tea party for her stuffed toys. “Don’t listen,” she said, “when they say my name.” 

Ash snorted and her nose wrinkled up. “Don’t listen?” 

“Yes.”

“Block my ears?” She teased. “I can’t possibly imagine what your first name is gonna be! Ted-bundy Schaeffer,” she rolled her eyes. “Yeah. It’s hyphenated in the middle,” she decided.

“I didn’t like that we had to fill out paper today,” she stated. “What do you think? About the paper?” 

“It was like a permission slip, Schaeff. Not a quiz. They just wanted us to know how risky this is.” 

Something passed through her lungs like fresh air. “I came to do field work. If I see a single textbook while I’m here I’ll snap.” 

Ash laughed, leaning back on the grass and staring up at the clouds. “Do you want to get promoted?” She asked. “You know there’s a lot of paperwork the higher up the chain you go.” 

Schaeffer cringed. She didn’t lay down on the grass but she shuffled over to watch the rise and fall of Ash’s chest. She studied it for a moment just in case all she’d have is a memory. Ash wasn’t doing field work, but PEIP was just that dangerous. “I never thought about getting promoted. Sometimes I have dreams where I’m the General, but I never think about getting there. General Pine must’ve been with the organisation for ages.” 

“General Pine is borderline going insane, Schaeffer. His sanity is holding on be a thread. He has seen some shit. It’s wild anyone in this organisation lives to become a General!” Ash lowered her voice and rolled her eyes, showing off her perfect smile. “It’s probably the fucking paperwork driving him mad. He’ll give up and retire soon.” She plucked a daisy from the ground and rolled the stem between her fingers. “You know that McNamara kid?” She began, but Schaeffer was tuning out. “He was being mentored by this guy, Colonel Cross?”

“I know him,” she answered automatically, his face flashing through her head. 

“He lost his fucking mind. Went batshit crazy,” she chuckled, but she wasn’t finding it funny. “Field work is dangerous, Schaeffer. It’d suck if something like that happened to you. McNamara has been in shambles, they don’t know what to do with him. Some portal bullshit.”

Schaeffer couldn’t even imagine living that long. She didn’t say anything about it though. 

That night at the ceremony when her name was called, Ash smiled at her instead of clapping, because she had her hands to her ears. Schaeffer knew she probably still heard, and now she had a stupid certificate in her dorm room anyways. It was on full display. 

Placement started in a week, but Schaeffer was wearing her uniform anyways. Now when she walked through the halls people didn’t even glance at her. She blended in, people didn’t notice her, they couldn’t pick her out from the bunch. She preferred the nonchalance and the ignorance to having the finger pointed at her. She preferred the peace that came with knowing she finally fit in. 

Her parents had been upset when she hadn’t turned out quite like her sister. Nothing too open, just hissing behind her back at first. But then it continued, and it was all her fault. Her fault she didn’t study and her fault she wasn’t playing nice. One night she took a man down for trying to come on to her sister. Beat the shit out of him. She was told boys will be boys, she was told she shouldn’t have overreacted. She was told she was lucky he didn’t press chargers. When graffiti showed up in the school bathrooms the teachers turned to her. When a window was smashed people asked her first. It was because of the way she looked, different, she wasn’t dainty and fragile Claire, she wasn’t like her studious sister. But now she was just like everyone else, and the uniform proved it, that she belonged. 

———————————————————

“You’re gonna be a sergeant!” Ash was more excited than she was. In fact, Schaeffer was not feeling much. She was just fine. 

They were at their place on the hill, laying on the grass to watch the stars. Schaeffer relished in the cold nipping at her skin. It felt good. “It’s not a big deal.” 

“Coming from you, sergeant Schaeffer! I’m still a lance corporal! So’s everyone in the gang!” She crooned. “You’ve done so good, you can barely sleep, right?” 

That’s why they were out here so late, even when reveille was at six. Schaeffer wasn’t excited for it, actually. All eyes on her. If asked she could probably snap someone’s neck with little to no hesitation but public appearances? No thanks. “I’d prefer if they held it up. I’m fine to wait.”

“So you can have it with me, right?” She tilted her head away from the stars to wink at Schaeffer, sending little yellow ripples through the grey in her stomach. 

It was nice, to have someone she enjoyed, who was fine testing their boundaries when Schaeffer preferred to play it safe. 

“As if.” She elbowed her and snorted. “Don’t flatter yourself.”   
———————————————————

“Sergeant Schaeffer!” The Colonel grabbed her by her shoulder to drag her to her office the moment she steps off the helicopter. “Jesus Christ!” 

She didn’t know what she had done wrong and followed along absently after her superior. She always got such a rush when she was out in the field, and whenever it goes away it’s sobering. The only reminder now was the gash across her cheek that was still drooling blood as she entered the colonel’s office. She wiped a hand over it, she barely felt it.   
“Yes, Colonel Savant?” She’s not entirely convinced this is a scolding yet, maybe she can’t read the room but what did she do wrong out there?

“You’re being reckless!” 

She blinked and widened her stance. “I was protecting Picarette. They were in danger.”

“No they weren’t!” She corrected. “We can see what’s going on out there, and even if that was the case, Picarette would’ve done just fine on their own!” She tossed her hands up, not able to sit down in her chair. She paced over to Schaeffer and jabbed a finger at her chest. “This is a balder, Claire. I don’t have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.” 

Well, she wished she would because Schaeffer didn’t have a clue what’s going on. She wasn’t even sure what she was supposed to expect or feel. If she could choose any word, she felt fine. Her cheek was still bleeding and it was dribbling onto the white of her undershirt now. She took her helmet off because she wasn’t supposed to wear it indoors. 

“You’re a good sergeant. You keep an eye out for your team, you follow the rules and do what you’re told,” she sounded so frustrated. 

Schaeffer raised an eyebrow. Was there a but? Or did colonel Savant just hate to see her succeed? 

“But you’re so reckless. Its like you’re trying to get yourself killed out there!” 

Schaeffer’s face went red. She wiped a finger over her cheek and it smeared the blood. At least now Savant couldn’t see.

“You need to be a good example to the cadets. You’re a good force and it’s gonna be a blow to the whole platoon if you off yourself! I’ve spoken with the major, you aren’t going out again this week.” 

When she was released from Savant’s office she was seeing red. She was doing her job, and now they were trying to stop her? Was it really her responsibility now to stay alive for the rest of the team? Were they going to try and protect her now? She didn’t need protecting. She wasn’t being reckless, it was the right thing to do. 

“Ouch, how’d it go with Savant?” Ash ran into her in the hallways. “Your cheek looks pretty bad.” 

“It went fine with colonel Savant,” she said. “Everything went fine.” She wiped her cheek again. It wasn’t stopping bleeding. 

“Want to go out training? Burn off some steam?” Ash offered. “I’ll keep you company.” 

She shook her head. “I’m not allowed to. I have to stay off field for now. The colonel says so.” 

“Fuck the colonel!” Ash sighed, rolling her eyes and linking arms with schaeffer to guide her to the medical bay, because she hadn’t been heading there herself.

“Don’t say that.” 

“You’re a bit of a bootlicker, Schaeff. You know, colonel Savant isn’t even that great of a soldier. She’s just outlived everyone else and maxed up. My one goal is to get promoted above her,” she didn’t even bother keeping her voice down. 

“You’re only a warren officer. You’ve got a long way to go.” 

“You’re blunt, sergeant. To think we started on the same day. You’re moving up so quickly.” She pushed open the doors to the medical bay. “I’ve got to go handle some transmissions coming in from the night task force,” she finally announced, licking her thumb and wiping smears of blood of her cheek. 

Schaeffer’s lips curled up, wiping her spit off her flushed skin. “Don’t do that.”

Ash giggled, patting her on the back. “You’re cute, Schaeffer.” And then she skipped off. 

Schauffer spun around to face the first doctor to attend to her. Her jaw dropped and her eyes wide. 

“Are you alright, sergeant?” The doctor asked.

She nods, she was fine, but there were little flecks of pinks and yellow jabbing at her stomach, and Schaeffer wanted those attended to before the cut on her cheek. “My stomach is bad,” she told them, gulping. 

“Alright. Let’s get you sitting down.” The doctor guided her to a seat before vanishing to collect some supplies. 

You want something done about that cut too?” There was a new bout of recruits last week, and she was staring at one of them right now. 

“No. It’s fine. It’s not a big deal.”

“It’s bleeding pretty badly. You don’t even want to clean it?” He leant across the bench. 

“I’m the sergeant. You can’t tell me what I’m supposed to do. Who even are you?” She shot back, wiping the blood off on her sleeve. 

“Well I’m a doctor. PHD. My job is to tell everyone what to do,” he was watching her with interest like he’d never seen someone like her before, and she was pissed because that look gave her a different type of stomach ache. 

“You aren’t a doctor yet. Look. You’re new around here so maybe you don’t understand I’m a sergeant.”

“Sergeant Schaeffer, right? We all know who you are. You keeping sticking your neck out in situations where it’s really not needed. You have personally taken ten years off my lifespan.” Schaeffer expected him to hold out a hand to shake, he didn’t. “Adam. Do you want that cut fixed up?” 

Schaeffer huffed, breathing in the sterile scent of the bay. Today, it smelt a bit like rot. Her stomach didn’t hurt anymore. It fell back to its dull grey rumble. “I’m fine. It’ll go away.” The bleeding hadn’t stopped but she just wiped it off again, marching out of the medical bay. 

———————————————————

Desk arrest was boring. Ash was out in the comms room, always busy. She barely stepped away for lunch. Schaeffer ate on her own, nodding to whatever anyone was saying her. Dulled. Didn’t like the taste of food, but she never had a favourite food or flavour in the first place. When she thought about it, Schaeffer didn’t like many things, not that she hated them, she was just very neutral. She liked her boots, she supposed. 

She crossed a leg over her lap as she chewed at the incredibly stringy mystery meat on her plate so she could look at her boot and remind herself they were good. 

“Are you alright?” The soldier besides her asked when she was staring at them too long. She wasn’t good with names, but Ash has spoken about Orwell before. Maybe they had shared a course once. 

“Yes,” she answered. She didn’t have many people she felt she really enjoyed. No one she hated either. She enjoyed her practice course on sword fighting, even if the course was only one month long. She couldn’t just go practice sword fighting again, not until she had some power around here. They were ceremonial only. 

She was bored enough to go wandering around to parts of the facility she had never seen before. They had labs for stuff she didn’t even know about. 

An immune system lab for studying infections and diseases, a lab specifically for studying dark matter, a geological lab for studying otherworldly sources. For the first time that day she stepped into the physicist’s lab. The man in charge there knew her, but she didn’t know him. 

He was standing by Major McNamara, and they were discussing something together. 

“Oh! Sergeant Schaeffer,” McNamara grinned, beckoning her over. “I’m glad to see you’re doing better. I didn’t mean for that mission to rough you up so badly,” he apologised. 

“I was barely hurt,” Schaeffer rubbed a hand across the scar on her cheek out of habit, sighing. 

“This is Xander. He’s in charge of the lab here,” he introduced them. He looked at Xander a little too long. 

“Schaeffer, can I call you Schaeff?” He held his hand out to shake. 

“No,” she answered eloquently. 

“I’m going to anyways. Schaeff, John and I were just talking, and there’s a very interesting mission coming up and I-“ 

Schaeffer quickly cut him off. They were still shaking hands but neither of them seemed to care about how long it was going on. “Can I go?” 

“Wow, feeling eager?” Xander had a very warm smile, but it didn’t give her the same colours as Ash’s did.

“No. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to,” she answered. 

McNamara patted her shoulder. “She’s dedicated. It’s dangerous, Schaeffer. Why don’t you come with me?” 

She nodded, swapping hands to shake with Mcnamara. “Yes. That would work out perfectly.” 

“People die on these things though, sergeant, and we can’t have you putting yourself in danger again.” McNamara stared her down. 

“No promises.” 

“Hah!” He laughed, slapping Xander’s back and the two shared a look. “That’s our Schaeffer.” 

She spent days in the gym, just trying to outdo herself. Pass the time until Ash could come and see them, kicking and punching and lifting and swinging even when she was hurting and exhausted. But then she’d see Ash, and there would be more colour in her stomach. 

Some days she felt she could sit at her dorm room desk all day, her head resting on the table in the crook of her arms. Ash wouldn’t return until late. Sarah always came early, but Schaeffer didn’t care about Sarah. She just wanted to know what Ash was up to. She liked seeing her smile. It painted her stomach pink, more pink than yellow nowadays. 

“I think I’m gonna try things with the major boy,” Sarah announced in between pushups. 

This week, her sister had gotten married and Schaeffer had been here instead doing her job. She had gone to the gym and punched her punching bag until her fists were a satisfying red. But it was fine, she was fine.

“Who?” Schaeffer asked, even though she didn’t care. 

“John. You know?” 

“Major McNamara?” That caught her attention and she sat up. “No. He doesn’t like you.” 

“Why?” Sarah chuckled. “You got a crush on him or something Claire?” She called her that because she knew she didn’t like that. Ash never did that. 

“I don’t. I barely know him,” she pressed. “He lead my platoon once when I was corporal.” 

“Aww. He’s the only boy I’ve ever seen you have a soft spot for,” Sarah cooed. “You’re in love!”

“I don’t have a soft spot. I don’t know him,” she insisted. She barely did. Well, not personally. She knew all her superiors and had respect for all of them. Yes. Even Colonel Savant. As far as Schaeffer was concerned, she had never been in love. It was irrelevant to this line of work.

“The other week when he called for someone to go on that mission you put your hand right up! And you nearly got killed.” 

“Well I didn’t do it for him! I just wanted to go on the mission!” She stood up from her chair. “If you like him, ask him out! But I just don’t think he likes you!” 

“Because you can read a room so well, Claire,” she snorted, stopping her pushups to sit up on her bed. “I think you’re just jealous.” 

She wasn’t bothered by her teasing, but she certainly didn’t appreciate it. “I’m going to the gym again.” 

“At midnight? Shouldn’t you get some sleep?” 

She shook her head. No. Gym, now. 

———————————————————

The beast’s grey fur was unkempt and it licked blood off its black maw. It was misshapen; its spine curved up too high, its fangs protruded too far from its mouth. Its skin was taut around the bones and stretched across its ribs until it looked like it would tear. The way its legs bent were unnatural, making it cry out in pain with each small step it took. It was akin to a wolf, but it was so horribly distorted that Schaeffer could’ve mistaken it for anything that walked the earth. It opened its toothed mouth to shriek at the platoon, and the party scattered. 

She pulled out her gun, but McNamara grabbed her wrist to yank her off. “Not yet!” 

They spread out through the red zone, hiding from the monster’s view. It howled as he dragged her down behind a shattered pipeline. “It can sense motion, but it can’t see,” he reported, Schaeffer nodded. If they stayed still, they wouldn’t be hurt. “Guess that’s you in action, huh?” He grinned. “Love to jump straight to the fight, Sergeant.”

She swallowed, watching him survey the red zone. It seemed to be contained to an abandoned construction sight. He was watching carefully as the beast prowled around in search of someone foolish enough to move. 

“You’re a good sergeant, Schaeffer. You’ve got a lot of potential, don’t waste it by putting yourself at risk,” he was barely looking at her as he murmured, he was watching, keeping them protected. “A lot of soldiers are hasty, try and get the glory and wind up getting killed. You’re smarter than that.” 

Schaeffer licked her lips at his words. He turned back around to make sure she had heard him and their noses were so close. She didn’t know what to do. Her stomach wasn’t the pink or yellow she got when she saw Ash. It wasn’t any colour. She didn’t feel anything. She leant in and he quickly pushed her back. 

“What are you doing?” He asked, his head twitching left to right like a tiny shake of his head, incredulous. 

“Uh, I don’t know,” she answered quite honestly. “I just thought-“ 

“I’m gay, Sergeant. Do you really think now is the time for this?” He pulled her down behind the pipeline as the beast stalked by. 

“Oh. I didn’t know.” She watched the monster again. It was searching for something. “I just had to check.”

He seemed surprised at her nonchalance. “Check what?” 

“My dormmate said- it’s nothing. I just didn’t understand. My apologies, Major,” her hands worked down to her gun. She would be able to get a clear shot in a moment. 

He raised an eyebrow, distracted. “Schaeffer. You’re queer too.” 

“Huh?” God. A lot of people trying to get her to talk about feelings lately. “I am?” 

“We’ll have this talk later,” he whipped out his tranq. “I don’t have a clear shot. Can you cover my six?” 

“It’s alright. I can get one,” she told him. “You take my six. I’ll get out there,” she slid one leg over the pipeline when the beast wasn’t looking. 

“Do you have a deathwish, sergeant?” McNamara hissed. “You move and it’ll see you.” 

“I’ve got this,” she promised, her heart was racing in a good way. She wasn’t scared. She moved quickly but with her back down, sneaking up on the creature. Or at least making it look like she was trying to. She didn’t care if the creature heard. And when she was close enough it finally turned around with a delighted roar that shook through the abandoned site. 

There were panicked calls for her to get back down, get out of the way, but it reared on its hind legs with its mangled paws raised, preparing to bring them down. She felt every single colour flash through her stomach and her head in a beautiful rainbow as she stared through the beast’s fangs, its spittle spraying across her cheeks. But she flinched. God, why did she flinch? and she reached for her gun and pulled it out and fired through its chest, knocking the Thing to the ground. 

There was a scream, and maybe it was her own.

“Shit!” Someone called out, and everyone came racing to the scene. 

Someone - she didn’t see who, she was still shivering with adrenaline- knocked their knuckles upside her head. “What’re you doing!? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” 

“You killed it!” Someone else said. She knew them but she couldn’t take in any faces. She wanted those colours to come back, she didn’t understand why they had to go away. “We were going to take it back!” 

“We were supposed to,” she began, not sure where she was taking that sentence. She didn’t know how to put her thoughts into words. “The orders were to shoot-“

“With your tranq, sergeant,” McNamara corrected. “What were you thinking?”

She had gotten it wrong. She wouldn’t have done that if she hadn’t moved so fast . Why did it happen? In the helicopter back she held her hand to her stomachache. 

“You’re looking sickly,” Doctor Adam watched her pass by in the hall. 

She growled. “I’m fine. There’s just something wrong in my head.” 

“Meaning? Do you need to see someone about that?” He began to tail her.

“No. I’ll just fix it. I made a mistake, and now I’m sick,” she explained like it was the simplest order of events in the world. “So I’m going to the gym before Colonel Savant finds out.” 

“Maybe you should come to the med bay,” he objected. 

“No! Who needs to go to the med bay for a stomach ache? Everyone gets them, this is just one of the-“ how to describe it? “When someone tells you something bad.”

“This might be a swing and a miss but are you talking about, like, emotions?” 

She stopped in her tracks to turn around and grimace, “What? It doesn’t even matter, I’m going to the gym.”   
———————————————————

“Of course I’ll lead a platoon, Major General,” she agreed quickly. “How many? I’ll take two platoons if you want.” 

“You’re a try hard, Schaeff,” Ash elbowed her, grinning. 

“Perfect, Lieutenant Colonel Schaeffer. Just be careful. Promise me you’ll be careful,” General Mcnamara stared her down. 

“I’ll make sure no one in my platoon is hurt unnecessarily,” she held her hand to her heart. She had to be on this mission. Ash was going too, and it was her job to make sure she got through to the safe zone camp. Or she was going to make it her job at least. She wanted to show Ash how good she had gotten while she was busy. “I’ll be safe!” She promised. 

“You better be.” She liked the way Ash leaned into her, one of her legs had slipped over Schaeffer’s thigh where the were sitting. She was warm, and her skin was smooth. Little waves of yellow and pink lapped up against the insides of Schaeffer’s skin. 

“You have to be prepared to die in the line of duty,” she reminded everyone like they had forgotten. “And I am.”

“That doesn’t mean you will though,” General McNamara was a bit astounded. He hesitated and Schaeffer quickly shook her head. 

“I’ll be fine, General! Let me go!” She was sick of being held back from missions from what she saw as a good job. You’re always told to keep an eye out for the other soldiers, it was honorary and the right thing to do, but whenever she did it was ‘stupid and wreckless’ and ‘putting her life on the line for no reason’ and ‘not allowed back out on the field for a week.’

“Alright. Just watch out. We’re moving in small groups so there might not be someone there to cover you if you stick your neck out like that again.” 

She was always being told that everyone else was capable and they knew what to do, but so did she. She felt it was her duty to keep an eye out for them, some of them would be dead if she didn’t help. 

“We’re going to have to handcuff you to keep you down one day,” McNamara was joking, she hoped. 

The helicopter ride there was nice too. McNamara on one side, Ash on the other.   
And that adrenaline she got came right back as she touched down on the red zone. Guns already rattling off, lighting up through the smoke. 

She had to get Ash through to the safe zone. There was a camp being operated by sergeant Carson across the map. She didn’t know what was out there in that smog, but she wouldn’t let it get to Ash, she had to get them safely through to the camp.

“Be careful, Schaeffer,” McNamara repeated. 

“Affirmative,” she confirmed, hands tight on her tranq. “I’ll make sure she gets through to the safe zone. I’ve got it all under control.”

McNamara gave her a look like that wasn’t what he meant, pulled down his visor and legged it out of there on his task. 

“I’ve got the radios,” Ash jostled the bag on her back. “You know where you’re taking me?” 

She had the path memorised. She had been studying it for weeks. She knew the quickest, safest way there like the back of her hand. 

“It’s just like Nancy Wake,” Ash chuckled behind Schaeffer’s back as she leant out to check if her path was clear. “French spy during the revolution,” she began, and even though Schaeffer should’ve been focusing on the path she listened. “She rode her bike 500 kilometres in under 72 hours to collect radios for the resistance!” She recounted excitedly, her hands making wide gestures. She was really into her line of work. It was sweet. 

Schaeffer fired a shot at a misshapen figure in the smog and when it dropped she signalled Ash on, bolting through to the clear. She felt Ash’s hand slip into hers and she was so flustered she nearly tripped. 

“I can’t see!” She didn’t have a tactical visor. 

“Uh-“ her eyes were watering from the smoke. “Here.” She lifted up her visor. She knew the path there anyways. “Take mine.” 

“Schaeffer, don’t you need this to see?” She tried to stop her handing it over. 

She shook her head. “I know where I’m going.” She fitted it on over Ash’s helmet, pulling it down over her eyes. “I know the path. Don’t worry, it’s my responsibility to keep you safe.” She felt around to make sure it was on safely. 

“Yeah. So shouldn’t you be able to see?” She tried to take it off. “This is a bad idea.” 

“I don’t want the smoke getting in your eyes,” she assured her. She wouldn’t get lost. 

When they took off again she could feel the world moving around her. She knew where the ground sloped up and where it sloped down, and she felt herself brushing around corners, Ash calling out to get her to turn far enough. It was almost a perfect collaboration.

“I know, I’ve got you!” She promised, firing a shot at a moving figure as it came too close. Ash let out a yelp. Maybe it would be better if she didn’t see them. The last thing she wanted was to scar Ash in the process. 

“Schaeffer, hey!” She called out as she yanked her around the corner, her voice strained. 

“It’s alright!” She repeated, hoping her voice was strong enough to soothe her. “We’re nearly there!” She could see the map in her head so clearly that she could almost see through the smog. “Are you okay?” She yelled.

There was a tug at her hand and a shout and their grip was torn apart, throwing Schaeffer to the ground, something had dug into her wrist and blood was spurting out already. “Shit!” She got to her knees, trying to reach into her utility vest pockets for something to plug the bleeding with. She couldn’t tell what the wound looked like, it must’ve hit an artery, it was going everywhere. “Fuck. Ash!?” She undid her utility vest, dumping it to yank her jumper over her helmet, tying the sleeve around her wrist to stop the bleeding. She couldn’t see without her visor. Shit. Where was Ash? “Ash!?” She tried again, standing up. Leave the vest behind - no time. Gotta find her. If only she could see. No one answered her calls. There were no howls or shouts or yells of any sort of monster or entity or whatever the hell they were facing today. The only thing pounding through her mind was to find Ash. She had to get her there safely. Maybe she had just fallen, knocked her head and gone out. Maybe she was nearby, just couldn’t respond, maybe she was down low. Schaeffer couldn’t see anything though. No shapes or movement. She couldn’t hear anything either, blood rushing to her ears. Heart in her throat. “Ashley!?” She was the only thing on her mind as she ran. She couldn’t have gone far. She must’ve been grabbed, taken right from her arm, ‘caus Schaeffer couldn’t see.

Something caught her by the shoulder.

‘Caus she gave her visor to Ash, forced her to see those monsters shrouded in the smoke.

It dug something shark into her shoulder blades. Neither of them made a noise. 

‘Caus she didn’t think it through. 

It pierced through the skin, sending an eruption of pain down her spine as it tore into her back.

‘Caus she made a mistake. 

It could have ripped her spine out, whatever it was. Cut right through the fabric of her undershirt. Blood everywhere. Shitty vision already getting blurry. Same thing must’ve happened to Ash.

‘Caus it was her fault.

There are the colours again. A rainbow wave of them, like being bathed in relief. Slower, not quite an explosion, like sinking underwater.

It was her fault.

Can’t see. Can’t hold her head up. Can’t feel her legs. Can only feel the colours. 

Her fault. Her fault. Her fault. Failed mission. Her fault. Made the wrong move. 

It’s going to be over in seconds. Whatever it is has left a hand- paw? Something. On her shoulder. Dumb mistake. She could grab it, toss it over her shoulder. Stomp its head in for killing Ash with her boots. Easily. Would only take her a few seconds. And she didn’t. 

“Hey!” Someone fired a gun. 

Shit. 

The hit doesn’t land, but she’s dropped, fuck. No. It’s running. Another shot, it lands, it’s dead. 

“Schaeffer, what the fuck are you doing!?” It’s McNamara. If she doesn’t die she’s gonna lose her job. She let Ash die.

He gets down to his knees, one hand quickly recoiling from her shoulder when he felt the blood. Could he see the colours pouring out with them? They’re draining out of her but it’s like a high. That was the best moment she had ever experienced, but now McNamara’s doing something dumb. He’s saving her. She’s out cold, but knowing her luck, she’ll wake up again. 

———————————————————

She wanted to rip the stitches open, pull her catheters and cannula out, finish the job herself. God, let her finish the job herself. They kept bringing her food, she won’t eat it. 

“Did you find Ash!?” She demanded an answer as soon as General Mcnamara stops by for a visit. “Did she make it!?”

He didn’t answer quite fast enough. “Schaeffer,” he began quietly like he was trying not to frighten her. “We lost her.” 

“Because I failed my job. I made a mistake. This is my fault.” She tried to get up off her stomach and there’s a rush and a flurry and someone, Mcnamara she was fairly sure, pushed her back down. There might’ve been someone else in the room. A doctor or a nurse. Her head was dazed and foggy. 

“Don’t move your back,” he warned. “You’ve fucked it up. How do you feel?”

Her back or her mission? “I feel fine.” Maybe that was the wrong answer, he didn’t receive it well. But she couldn’t tell how she felt. She didn’t feel anything. “What do you mean we lost her? You shouldn’t have stopped me. You should’ve gone after her.” 

“Stopped you from what? You weren’t putting up a fight there, Schaeffer. Getting yourself killed wouldn’t bring back your friend,” he scolded. “Things like this happen in PEIP. And it’s a shame, we all wish it didn’t have to happen. I knew her too, but you have to be realistic about this.”

She wanted to glare at him so badly, and yet she just couldn’t move. 

“Doesn’t that hurt?” He asked as she shifted. “Your back.” 

She shook her head. “I just don’t feel it.” There weren’t even colours in her stomach anymore. Like they had all bled out of her that day. “You have to be prepared to die in this line of work, General. I’ve been at it for years, I measured out the situation very carefully,” she lied. 

“I told you to be careful, I’d love to hear the thought process behind that,” he saw right through it with a roll of his eyes. “My dorm is right next to the gym,” to Schaeffer it sounded like he was going on a tangent, but he wasn’t. “And I can hear you in there, almost twenty four seven. Has that ever helped?” 

“I’m staying in shape.” That wasn’t it. 

“That isn’t what I meant. You never give yourself a rest. Anytime anything bad happens you lock yourself up there.” 

Maybe this was his plan. Wait until she couldn’t get up to confront him. The truth was too raw for her to ever face but she knew it was there in the back of her mind.   
“Pushing myself to the extreme is just how I work through setbacks, General. It gets me out of my head.” 

“And does that actually work?” He was as skeptical as skeptical got. She couldn’t see his face but she could hear it in his tone. 

“Yes,” she stated. “When my sister got a boyfriend and was too busy for me I signed up for every single sport club in the area. When my mother passed I ran a death marathon. And when my first application for PEIP got rejected I just about jumped into a frozen lake, General. This job is my whole life, why would I ruin it?” She laughed, pressing her head to her pillow as a growl boiled in her stomach. 

He was quiet, droning a confused note like he needed a second to process it. “Okay. But have you ever considered pain isn’t therapeutic? It’s just more,” he hummed and turned his hands. “It’s just emotional cutting?” 

“Alright,” she raised her head, propping herself up on her elbows. She really couldn’t feel her back. And maybe that had nothing to do with the drugs. “I appreciate it, General. I told you. But I am fine. And if you’ll allow it, I’d love it for you to leave me alone.” She had never snapped at a superior before. Not even Brigadier Savant, but she was going to lose her temper. 

“Do you need a counsellor, Schaeffer? Because I can get you one. A good one. Do you remember colonel Cross?” 

“Colonel Wilbur Cross,” she answered so he knew she did. She remembered getting the news that the experiment had gone wrong, that the colonel wouldn’t be around anymore. Ash had told him. Ashley. She had forgotten about her for just a second and it was like a knife to the gut to remember. She was heavy and sick for even forgetting, it was like a betrayal. 

“He was my mentor. And when I lost him I was in a bad place. And I got help for it, Schaeffer.” 

No response.

“Do you want me to put this in words you’ll understand?” He really sounded like he couldn’t make it any simpler, but she wasn’t going to lay there and be ridiculed. “Sometimes the scariest monsters aren’t the ones in the field, Lieutenant Colonel, they’re the monsters in your head.” 

“I don’t need one.”

“I’m your general and it’s an order. I’m making you go and you’re going to talk. It’ll help.”

“General McNamara, with all due respect, I’ve had enough of this. I’m not sad, the last time I felt anything was 98’ and that was a headache. I can barely feel my back.” 

He almost seemed to pity her. “You’re a good soldier, Schaeffer. Don’t you know that? Ever since you got here you’ve been on the field every day you can. We’ve had to restrain you from getting on helicopters before!” He reminded her. 

One day Hurley and Sarah had fenced her in her dorm room so she wouldn’t sneak out on a colonel’s mission after she hadn’t been selected. “This job is my whole life, General. I just want to do good, I’m committed.” 

“And yet every time you get a promotion you persuade your superiors not to have an assembly.” He pulled a chair up to her bedside, it’s legs screeching over the tiles as he straddled it. “What’re you in this organisation for?”

“So I can protect those who need it!” She insisted, incredulous. Why else? She didn’t want to die. It was a good thing her head was burrowed into her arms because it was turning red. 

“Just because we’re supposed to be prepared to die on the job doesn’t mean we have to,” he started, and she groaned. She didn’t want this speech. She wanted him to tell her how awful she was for failing and letting Ash die. He clipped her over the back of her head in scolding, but it was almost an affectionate gesture. “But I almost think you want to.”   
———————————————————

“If you aren’t ready to talk, we can try a different tactic,” the doctor pursed his lips. 

“Can I see someone else?” She held up a hand, scoping out the empty room. She knew PEIP wasn’t the biggest organisation, but Adam seemed to be everywhere. 

“I’m just doing my job, lieutenant colonel. You come in here every day and glare at me and I’m starting to think I need a therapist,” he tried to laugh, but Schaeffer wasn’t in the mood. “Uh, the General just wants us to talk, alright? About-“

“I don’t have ‘depression’” she placed it in quotation marks. “That’s a myth, I just haven’t had enough protein.” 

“Uh.” He was quite impressed. This wasn’t being closeted or conservative, she, a full grown woman, seemed to just not understand. “I’d like to bring up that day in the hallways when you were upset about making a mistake on your mission and you said that gave you a stomach ache and I said ‘are you talking about emotions?’ And you said ‘I’m going to the gym.’ Remember?”

It’s almost embarrassing to hear it from someone else’s perspective. Maybe the General was right. But when she thought of that day she remembered Ash. She winced, pressing her hands to her scalp with a growl. 

“I don’t want to make assumptions because you’re nearly a forty year old woman, but just to check, you know what feelings are, right?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah but-“

“There shouldn’t have been that much hesitance or a ‘but’ attached to that sentence.” 

“How long is this session supposed to go for?” She glanced around the room again for an escape. “I’m only here because the General gave me an order, and I’m not quite interested in diving into that with you.” The only person she could ever imagine that sort of chatter with was maybe her sister, and if she had a few more weeks, maybe Ash. She pictured it in her head and everything seemed to turn inside her. She grew nauseous and leant forward in her chair. She wanted to get back to the field, but the General wasn’t clearing her until she had done five hours of this. 

She was useless. Couldn’t even do her job. How could she be ever get a promotion if she just couldn’t do one thing right? If she let everyone get hurt because of her.

“If you don’t talk it doesn’t count. The clock’ll only count down if you talk.” 

She leant back, staring up at the roof. It was going to be a while then.   
———————————————————

“Just let me out on the field.”

“No you-“

“Just-“

“Five sessions-“

“No, just let me- just let me get on this helicopter,” Schaeffer side stepped Mcnamara, pointing to the helicopter that was loading up. It was headed for the tiny town of Hatchetfield. She wanted to go there. If she could pick any mission, it’d be another infamous Hatchetfield one. “I’m just gonna-“

“Lieutenant Colonel Schaeffer!” He stomped one boot, grabbing her collar. 

She grumbled as she watched the soldiers finish piling on. “What?” 

“You didn’t do your five sessions,” he stated, keeping a grip on her collar incase she decided to run off last moment. “Doctor Adam says you won’t talk.”

“Yes. So how will sending back there help at all?” She questioned, tugging. There was still room for her. “It’s not like I’m going to stand in oncoming traffic! I just need some fresh air!” She turned around, trying to catch his eye to convince him. “One trip.” She only needed one. 

“Go to therapy, Schaeffer. Just talk, maybe you’ll like it.” He escorted her directly to Doctor Adam’s office so she wouldn’t avoid it. “I’ll wait outside.” 

Most of her superiors wouldn’t care in the slightest. Brigadier Savant would’ve let her go. Mcnamara was just too caring for her own good. 

“Ah. Finally deciding to talk?” Adam glanced up from his files. 

“No. But the General has ordered me to.” And she was a simple soldier. She just did as she was told. “My head is broken.” Maybe there was something off about her delivery, because Adam was far more shocked than Schaeffer felt. She felt fine. 

“Broken?”

“Oh. I don’t feel things,” she dropped down on the couch. “Only time I feel things is when I go to the field. And I want to go to the field right now, so I’m talking,” she shrugged, feeling a tug at her scar. “I feel adrenaline. Otherwise, it’s nothing.”

“Well that’s a different thing. That’s excitement,” he was racing to find his pen. “That’s called excitement, thrills, joy.”

No. Her stomach was churning, she didn’t think other people had colours like her. “I know what excitement is. Yes. Fine. I get excited to go to the field.” 

“And wouldn’t you say you’re bothered right now?”

“Absolutely. So what, my head isn’t broken then? So tell General Mcnamara I’m alright to go to the field.” Maybe she hadn’t missed the Hatchetfield helicopter yet. 

“You’re a puzzle, lieutenant colonel Schaeffer.” 

“And you’re a bore,” she crossed one leg over her knee, restringing her boot to give her hands something to do. “So am I clear or not? I’m not ‘depressed’ or sad or tired, I feel fine.”

“Alright. We’ve got a lot to unpack here.”   
———————————————————

“Warming up to it yet?” General Mcnamara nudged her as they walked. 

“Adam? No,” she rolled her eyes. “Never will. Being ‘emotionally vulnerable’ like that?” That’s What Doctor Adam called it. “Bleh. Awful.” 

“He isn’t that bad. Sometimes he tells me you’re just fucking with him,” he snorted. 

“Well, may as well have some fun with it,” she answered. They were long past their initial five sessions now. Even if Schaeffer never wanted to talk, it was enough to know that option was available, as much as it bothered Adam to try and pry answers out of her. 

She liked the idea of having that privacy to rest her head. Just one hour away from cadets and warren officers asking her to sign off on paperwork to change their courses and move their schedules to avoid the six am reveille. Sometimes she would come to her regularly assigned session and Adam would just continue on with his work like she wasn’t even there. That was nice. 

“Excited for tonight, right?” He bumped her again as she started tuning out. 

She didn’t shrug right away. As useless as she liked to think it was, counselling helped give a name to the colours. So maybe she was. Turns out, shockingly enough, being happy meant more than just a smile, and maybe that’s why ‘I’m fine’ never seemed to fool anyone. “I am looking forward to tonight,” she stated, just like she was taught. Yes, that orange feeling was excitement.

She smoothed out her ceremonial uniform. “It’s been a while.” 

“You’ve got so much potential. Why not put it towards not trying to get yourself killed, huh?” He elbowed her. Always on about the power of the human heart or whatever it was. Schaeffer had never had the attention to listen the whole way through. “You’re much better use to us alive.” 

The pink and peach colours were pride, belonging. 

They moved through the halls, opening the doors to the assembly room. Tonight she would become Colonel Schaeffer. 

He had to give the speech, but he lead them past Xander first so he could congratulate her. 

The blue and green was sadness and guilt. Ash would’ve loved to see this, riding up under Brigadier Savant’s position. That was her goal, overtake the Brigadier. She wished she had someone, a friend maybe, to send her off before her assembly. Someone who would make the effort feel worth it. That was Mcnamara, maybe. But he was her superior. They were friends but she didn’t feel she could ever break through that boundary. He clearly had something going with Xander anyways it seemed. 

The crimson feeling is embarrassment, and it’s ripe when she’s called to the stage and cheered for. That one had been easier to explain, because her skin turned the same colour. It made Adam laugh, and that made it more vibrant as she flushed. The scarlet feeling was anger. And she was quite familiar with that one. 

Colonel Schaeffer. She liked that name, mostly because it was shorter than Lieutenant Colonel. But one day she would be Brigadier, and then maybe she would let herself snap and have a go at her. Maybe that would make things make sense again. 

But the yellow feeling was her favourite. It came in little blossoms at the small things, lacing up her clean boots this morning, it spread down her arms to her fingertips when they ran over the buttons of her ceremonial gear, and filled up her cheeks when she smiled. It warmed her palms with sparks when she ran them over the sheath over her sword. 

Yellow was how she felt when she saw Ash. Doctor Adam said they had been friends, and that word had such a lovely ring to it, just like a song. 

When she finally came to rest that night, staring at the certificate and the medallion above her bunk, the yellow painted her whole body, her cheeks and her palms and her gut. So yellow there could never be any other colours ever again. It was just like Ash had never left her. Just like everything was going to be okay, just like everything was going to get better. 

Yes. The yellow was her favourite, and the yellow was happiness.

**Author's Note:**

> the reread value is in that if u look back thru it the only time she feels things is actually at the mention of death and never the praise I put my lit student hat on


End file.
